This is interesting…

So I’m totally laughing right now because I just read my last post.  Katelyn is still such a good girl…it’s just that there are a lot of changes going on right now and it’s very…”interesting”.  ;)  Last week we switched her to one nap a day.  We have been basically fighting her to take her afternoon nap for the past two months.   She would take her first nap around 11:30a.m. and sleep until 1p.m.  That changed from 12p.m. to 1p.m. and then she suddenly refused to take her afternoon nap.  She might take a half hour nap once a week in the afternoons OR she would fall asleep at 5p.m. so tired and wake at 6p.m.  Yeah….that didn’t work so well when it was time to actually go to bed for the night around 8/8:30p.m.  It just wasn’t too fun for any of us.  So!  We decided to stop fighting it and change her to one nap.  There are actually great benefits such as her going down for her nap and bedtime with little or no fuss.  She’s absolutely ready for that time – which is awesome.  The seeming downside: she has been so crabby/fussy/unhappy for the past few days.  Yes, we pushed her nap to around 12:30/1, but that’s not really that far from what it originally was.  I think there are multiple things going on: 1) Yes, her nap time has been pushed further 2) She cut another tooth  3) I have no idea if another/how many others are coming (she hates me looking into her mouth but I have not felt any others….I can only assume) and 4) she’s probably growing again.  All of those changes would make ME grumpy too.  lol  She’s really the great baby she’s always been but she’s added occasionally throwing herself backwards when she doesn’t get the right answer from me.  The first time she did it I was like, “Uh…excuse me?  Are you kidding me?!”  lol  Suffice to say – the discipline has definitely started.  I find it hard – at times – to explain a “concept” to her that she did not do right.  I guarantee she understands more than I give her credit for…it’s just another interesting step in the parenting world.  :)

Mostly, I feel for the girl in having so many changes happening in her world.  She has all the changes I mentioned as well as Mom & Dad’s sudden discipline.  It’s pretty clear, though, that she’s not feeling well.  I’ll hold her during the day to keep her still for a bit because I can tell she just feels miserable and as soon as I do – her eyes almost completely shut from exhaustion.  They almost shut, but she will NOT sleep.  And so I continue to make her have a little “down time” for 10-15 minutes and then she is up and happy again.  I hope this all changes soon for her – and for us.  She just looks miserable and it makes me question our decision in changing to one nap.  However, when I look at everything…there would be no good coming from switching back.

All kids are different….there are a lot of variables in every family equation.  It’s such a guessing game and I hate guessing.  :)

“It’s time.”

So I realize I never got back to that last post.  That was forever ago.  I definitely needed a little time to reconsider my thoughts – just in how I would say them.  Anyway…I will get back to that at another time.  Maybe the next post.  But for now (I just started a sentence with “but” and its bugging me but it seems to fit perfectly), here’s what on my mind as of this moment:

We have an absolutely awesome little girl.  This morning she made me smile in so many ways but something new she did:  I asked her to say please and she signed it!  Made my heart leap.  She is definitely independent (I have no idea where she gets that from!) but it is such a great thing at times!  Okay…yes!  She slept in our bed with us for a WHILE.  And we LOVED it.  There you go.  :)  No regrets.  I suppose until the one night she was not with it and crawled off the bed.  That was horrible and mostly worse for us.  Suffice to say, after that time, she started sleeping in the crib.  (She used to take her naps in the crib and sleep with us at night.)  The transition was a little hard, but only a couple of times during the day time naps and waking up at night once in a while because of her teeth coming in.  Other than that…it was like she was saying, “Mom.  Dad.  It’s time.”  Next:  She loved to curl up on our chest, fall asleep and then we’d put her in her crib.  No problem and we loved it.  We went to her 1 yr check up and the doctor was like, “You might consider just having her start falling asleep on her own during the day.  Night time can be different for a while if you want…just a thought.”  lol  We know she should start falling asleep on her own but this was working so…why “fix” it.  :)  There are worse things we could be doing!  Well!  She’s done it again…  Katelyn has started to just stare at us instead of falling asleep.  So yesterday I held her for a minute, sang to her, told her I loved her, kissed her, put her in her crib and walked out quietly.  She cried for .1 seconds and then just sat in there talking to herself – then quiet – then talking – then quiet.  She did that for almost an hour and then fell asleep.  Last night – she did the same thing.  (it only took her 15 minutes this time)  Today’s nap: again the same.  It was as if she was saying, “Mom.  Dad.  It’s time.”  She’s so stinking smart and so stinking GOOD!  We have certainly been blessed.

Two Questions

I had so many things I wanted to say.  Instead I decided to make it simple.  Sometimes I think that’s best.

So my first question:

What is a Christian?

Go ahead.  Post away.  Respond.  Be short.  Simple.  Thorough.  Whatever you want.  Whatever you think.

The second question…I’ll wait a couple days.

Just another day…

So today was fairly good. I worked at the photography studio all day editing and entering jobs. The day started out with me attempting to fix a senior picture in photoshop of a girl whose blonde hair was completely washed out by the sunlight. There are a few problems with that because it is, obviously, too bright but also there is also no hair texture shown because of it. Anyway…after an hour, I was very happy with what came out of my “messing around”! I really don’t know what I’m doing with programs. I just mess around with them and hope for the best. lol Seriously. But it’s fun to me and this one I was VERY happy with! I think the best feeling was that the studio was impressed with the outcome. It just meant a lot to me.

At lunch I went into town to get something to eat and to run a couple of errands. On the way there, one of my pet peeves began to completely irritate me. It was a girl TAILGATING me. AAAHHHH!! I seriously can’t stand that. It drives me CA-RAZY. I mean…seriously…there is a problem if I look in my rear-view mirror and all I can see is your WINDSHIELD! No hood…just the windshield. Here’s another view: Going the other direction and a person is so close to someone I think, “Wow…you’d think they were TOWING them.” (And NO…I’m already going OVER the speed limit.) Let’s think about this people. Any of the possibilities occur – car in front of me slams on their brakes, a deer/moose/skunk/porcupine/field mouse runs in front of me and I have to swerve or brake even a little(sorry, but I will shout out a little prayer for the animal to move, but I will run over something small before I risk my own life), I have to turn and you’re not paying attention for .0015 seconds(because that’s all it will take for me to only see only the top of your car), you blink and anything happens, a bee distracts you in your car(Yes, Matt…I put this in for you) – you will be in the back of my car and your car will be a wreck. Then we will either have to deal with endless hospital bills, therapy, phone calls from bill collectors and insurances, lack of income from being out of a job from not being able to go to work…. GET MY POINT? It’s just truly not worth it. I promise. There is no point to put my life, your life, and anyone else’s life who is involved in our pile up, in danger. I’m a bit of a promoter of, “If it can be avoided, what’s the point of anything else?” There are enough things in life that happen that we are not able to avoid. Anyway…if you’re in the car with me someday and we have a tailgater, don’t be surprised to hear me ranting and raving about how RE-DICULOUS I think the person is behind me…turn around quickly and give them one of the “Danielle looks” or slow down to make them get the point. Okay…letting go. For now. Ha!

I have a lot of homework to do. Ick. Am I doing it? No. I am exhausted. I will get up in a minute to begin to bake some cookies for a couple of groups of guys tomorrow when I go to Brockton, MA. I think chocolate chip oatmeal. Then I’ll start to read the book I have to have a book review done on by Sunday p.m. Tomorrow morning I’ll get up really early to take Chaeta to the vet (which will not be fun). I will definitely be praying about that NOW. I usually make Matt take her because it stresses me out. Can you imagine me NOW? 6 mo pregnant bobbing around as Chaeta goes crazy trying to run away or kill someone. She gets so scared, she actually bares her teeth at the vets. Some of them “get her”, but sometimes some of them are just terrible about it. I mean…you think you’d GET that she’s just scared. I have to have a muzzle on her every time. She has to get some shots and have her front joints checked out. She is incessantly licking them and they are now RAW. It’s awful and it is driving me crazy. Just another thing…

I’m so tired so I need to get up and start the cookies. I’ll have to move my paints first, though. Oh yes…I started a new painting for Katelyn’s room I think. I don’t know. I didn’t really know what it was going to be but it seems to be a painting portraying our family. Matt, myself, Ryan, Nathan and Katelyn. No, it’s not people. Maybe I’ll take a picture of it when I’m done. Depends on what it looks like when it’s done.

Okay, Dad. All the years of making you your concoction of baking soda and water for your heartburn…I truly feel for ya. This extreme heartburn is awful. My cold is getting better. Chaeta is burying a bone in her towel I gave her which is annoying me. Jeopardy is on and I know nothing. Holy CRAP…I take that back. I knew the answer was Echinacea. Thanks, Mom for all those years of vitamins and healthy herb knowledge.

Trusting God

Life can be so crazy.  I continue to be taken by surprise that I am going to have a baby.  That may sound strange, but I constantly find myself feeling as if I am dreaming.  Every time I wake up…it seems to surprise me.  When I saw my shadow today taking a walk, it surprised me.  Then there are those times where fear wants to creep in and attempt to tell me that, in those moments that I realize it is reality, something may happen and it will never become a reality to me.  Matt told me something at the beginning of all this when one thing after another seem to grasp at my emotions.  He said, “In those times, you just need to remind God of His promise to us.  He promised we would have children and this is His promise to us.  Remind Him of that.”  One might think that is crazy to “remind” GOD of something like that.  As if we could change whatever God may want to do.  The fact is, He does not want to harm us and that was my thought in “reminding Him.”  As if He would want to damage the beauty in what He had given us…for no reason at all.  Just because.  If I am true to what I really know…that is not the God I serve.  I certainly understand when people might believe that, due to their life’s circumstances.  Those that continue to have one thing happen after another that seems to tear them down and destroy a piece of their hearts…I, myself, do not understand why God allows that.  However, I did not understand why God would allow me to have a perfect, absolute perfect, pregnancy with identical twin boys and then suddenly take them with no warning or reason.  Why?  I went through a series of “whys” for years leading up to the loss of our sons.  In 2000 – you have endometriosis which can cause infertility.  Why?  In 2003 – a miscarriage.  Why?  In 2005 – the loss of our sons.  Why?  Somehow, the series of whys I had to ask myself(which included not only the ones I mentioned) led to me to be in a better place of acceptance of what was happening in my life.  How is that?   At each point, I had to make an honest decision.  Not one that I simply stated, but a truthful, honest decision in which God could see my sincerity.  When I had endometriosis – I came to an honest place of saying, “Okay, God.  If you don’t want me to have children(which was one of the most important things to me in life), I will be alright with that.”  That took months upon months.  When I miscarried – “Okay, God.  You gave me life and you took it away for some reason.  A complete miracle in which I was overjoyed and you took it from me.”  After the whys subsided, I decided that what He gave me was always His to begin with.  I let go of my anger and decided to fully trust Him.  I know that I don’t serve a God that is ruthless and loves me more than anyone in this world could.  He knows me intimately, created me and cares more for me than I could ever comprehend.  Who am I to God?  That is what I decided to focus on and not the, seemingly, injustice I felt I had experienced.  When I lost our boys – it took me a long time to understand, but it seemed that I was okay with the blessings I received from their lives.  There are so many things that I will always remember.  I could never forget how many lives they touched…including mine, in the deepest of ways.  I watched doctors, nurses, specialists, surgeons, respiratory therapists and many others be amazed at the faith in our family as well as in Matt and myself.  They were truly touched by my boys.  If only I could live my life and make the impact on others they made it just a matter of days.  Their purpose was completed and we continue to see the effects of their lives to this day.  

I will never forget the first time I had to be wheeled in on my bed into the NICU to see Nathan.  When I saw my little boy for the first time…there are no words to describe it.  Oh, my God, I miss them so much.  The first time I watched his little fingers wrap around my own finger…the first time I saw him pull his foot up after I touched the bottom, the first time he opened his eyes when I was talking to him and he looked at me. All of these things, they said were impossible because they were certain he had brain damage, which was never proven.  I don’t believe that was true.  I do believe God allowed these moments to happen as a blessing to both Matt and I.  I will never forget them and they mean so much to me.  Ryan.  I remember Matt was sleeping next to me and the nurse brought him in for me to see.  I wanted to see him, but Matt wasn’t ready.  I was so afraid he was going to wake up.  So I quietly unfolded the blanket he was in to see his little toes and fingers.  It is such a strange thing to see your lifeless child before you.  A beautiful, yet most terrible thing.  However, it is another moment I will never forget.  The love I had for my children in both of their passings seemed to overshadow the pain.  The pain certainly came.  I did not begin to feel that deep pain for another 6 months it seemed.  My body had been traumatized and was recovering so I feel like I began to “feel” after a good time had passed.  Again, it was as if I was in a dream…a nightmare, but not a reality.  The worst times were when you felt you were dreaming but then realized you were wide awake.  

I say all of that, and share a small piece of my thoughts and memories about my boys, to say this.  I will continue to trust God.  With the life that is now growing in me…I will continue to trust in Him.  Whatever His will is for my life, it is better than I could make for myself.  His love knows no boundaries.  He is as far as the east is from the west.  He is all-knowing…ever present.  He’ll never leave me or forsake me.  He is my Shepherd.  He restores my soul.  Even when I walk in valley of the shadow of death(as close to death as I feel I can get), I won’t fear because HE is with me.  He gives me the weapons to destroy the enemy(which include those thoughts in my mind that would want to destroy my faith in Him despite of life’s circumstances).  Goodness and mercy WILL follow me all the rest of my days because no matter what happens to me in this life…I will choose to trust Him.  It’s a choice.  Everything we do in regards to knowing who God is and how much we allow Him to capture us, is a choice.  Our choice.  As I said at my sons’ memorial…I choose to not allow Satan to have any kind of victory in any situation in my life.  As difficult as it has and will continue to be in those moments…I choose to allow Him to be the Lord of my life who knows better than I.  Complete trust and control I will continue to daily  give over to Him.  Yes, it is daily because, in our humanness, we want to have some control over what happens to us.  I choose to have control…in choosing to give it to God to do with what He created me for.  A difficult road and decision that must be given over to Him everyday.  However…that is who I want to be.  More than what my flesh cries out for at times.  Dying to self daily.  A constant battle.  We war within our own minds.  There will be bumps in my life and times I am sure to fail, but my intention will be to allow God to pick me back up, rid myself of self and get back on the path of trusting Him.  Without Him, my life would be nonexistent.  Do with me, Lord, what you want.  Take me through any valley.  That is a terrifying thing to say when you understand what you are really saying…but I will not be afraid of the unknown.  When we come this kind of place in our lives, it is important to understand we must be armed.  It is vital to mentally be in a position of victorious battle but it will never be victorious if we have no weapon to defend ourselves.

Comforter…Healer.  If you’re not sure who God is or need some great references, CLICK HERE. 

Who we are to God is another Post.

God Bless.

A little bit of everything

So I have felt worse the past two days.  It’s been wonderful.  I don’t know if I am acquiring migraines or what but it was suggested by my doctor.  I did not want to partake in them, but it is seeming like they are joining me with no invitation.  Ok..that was a weird sentence.  Anyway…I just feel awful all the way around.  Moving on.  My final project is done.  I was disappointed not to go to church this morning but after 2 nights of getting up every half hour to an hour and feeling as awful as I do it just wasn’t going to happen.  My body was screaming at me.  I would have rather gone to church and been prayed for and have been done with all of this! But I had no energy left.  These are times when I can feel, and remind myself, of the many people that are praying for us.  That gives me the strength to keep going at times, to be honest.  The prayers of the Saints avail-eth much.

There must be a bird or something in my a/c.  I thought the thing was going to catch on fire or something because it was making so much noise every once in a while.  But being out here in the living room, it sounded more like a bird’s wings getting caught in the swirling fan of the a/c.  Hmm.  Now that I think about it…that could be gross.

The fruit fly situation is being resolved.  Somewhat slowly.  The vinegar worked but they were trying to find their way out through the holes.  So I froze ‘em.  lol  Yes.  Froze them.  It was quick and painless I assure you.

Lastly, my final paper is done and I have just printed it off.  Feels pretty good. (EW!  Stupid thing.  A fruit fly is attempting to get into my chicken noodle soup.)  Relaxing for .2 seconds before I take a shower and head off to get Matt in Manchester.  Yea!  WHAT should be on but…”Troop Beverly Hills”.  Ha!  So old and I love it.  A stupid brainless girly 80s movie.  ”You’ve never heard of a little troop called the ‘Red Feathers’.  They’re out there at that same site camping last week.  They chopped down trees and wove their own cloth and lived off of Berries and Squirrel Meat and never once did they have to go to the bathroom.” <pause> “Must’ve been the squirrel meat…”  Yes, probably not as funny to all of you, but the facial expressions make it better.  lol

Enough of all this for now.  I must get back to eating my fruit fly infested chicken noodle soup.

Mostly fruit flies…

So today I went to the post office and received yet another baby magazine and a sample jar of some baby powder formula.  When I opened up the box and saw the formula, I thought…this is one of the first times in the past 3 1/2 years that I’m ‘ok’ with getting this.  All the baby stuff in the mail is like junk mail.  I’m not saying it’s junk, I’m just saying it never stops once you start it.  I started it when I was pregnant with the boys and it has always been almost irritating to me to keep getting it once we lost them.  Yet another constant reminder.  One that I couldn’t stop.  It’s just the way things like that are. You learn to deal with them.  I ended up trying to give the samples to people that needed them or just threw them out.

On an en-TIRE-ly different note: When I was gone last weekend in Maryland, I apparently forgot to take out some food from my trash.  So when I came back I almost gagged on the swarm of fruit flies that came pouring out of my trash.  I have been trying to rid myself of them for the past week.  They seem to be multiplying by the hundreds!  I went online for a home remedy(I’m big on those).  I thought I had heard of one before and sure enough!  I found that if you set a bowl(or something you can throw away. The thought of eating in something later that hundreds of fruit flies died in doesn’t really excite me) out with vinegar in it and cover it tightly with suran wrap, they will become trapped in it.  Of course you have to poke holes in the top with something small like a toothpick, but I guess they are attracted to the vinegar.  I will wait for 24 hours and see how its going.  I will admit I couldn’t wait, so I took a peek and it is looking rather discusting in there.  aka: it’s working.

I’m trying to finish my last paper for a class that is due by tomorrow.  I’m so close I don’t want to stop tonight until it’s done, but I am far too stressed I think.  I don’t feel stressed but I think the baby is kicking me a bit.  No…I don’t literally feel the baby kicking.  It’s just pretty tight around the baby which seems like stress to me.  So…I will play it by ear.  I’m almost done anyway.  58 pages later…4 pages have been written.  That’s ridiculous.

What is the world coming to?

Alright.  So…I decided to start blogging for my own sanity and so others in the fam and friends can terrifyingly(is that a word?) see into my life and brain.  So.  I’m sitting here after writing 3 papers totally exhausted and needing to do my final project but will wait until tomorrow.  I decide to scan the channels and came across a Miley Cyrus and Jonas Brothers concert.  Oh BOY.  Every young person loves both these “artists” so I decide to check out what is “hot” these days.  The Jonas Brothers were up first.  GAG ME.  Are you kidding?  Sorry to all those who like them, but seriously.  I am sitting here watching a bunch of young girls scream and throw kisses to these boys.  All the while, one of the boys is giving that “yeaaahh” look to the girls in the audience and dedicates “the next song to all the ladies in the house”.  Again, gag me.  Mouthing and doing his own sign language to the words as his brother sings in the next part.  Winking at the audience all the while.  Yet another young group caught up in the fame and performing part of what they are doing.  The excitement in the audience is re-diculous.  Why are people not as excited about God?  I know…saying such a think strikes up an array of topics(which I would be happy to discuss), but seriously…the attention given to these…boys…is just sad.  They may be great people, but they are only people.  BOYS.  Hu-low.  And all the money spent on these concerts.  Holy crap.  Miley Cyrus is on next.  She actually seems real.  I’ve seen her in interviews and she seems like she actually enjoys and appreciates music.  I may not care for her music, but she is definitely more real than the J.B.  ANYWAY…as I’m writing this my cat must have cabin fever or something.  She is meowing like a mad cat and racing around the house like she has lost her mind. Skidding across the wood floor and irritating my dog, Chaeta, who could eat her in a second.  I must go to bed.  Sleep is necessary.  I realize my blog has choppy sentences and incorrect form, but this is the only place I can do that.  My papers I have to write for my Masters obviously don’t allow it, so you’ll be fortunate to get the choppy sentences that come out of my brain when I don’t have to think so much. Congrats.